


you've got morning I've got midnight

by ThisMorning



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-05 23:04:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12199173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisMorning/pseuds/ThisMorning
Summary: Barney raising Ellie. Nothing more, really.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Don't know why I'm obsessed with Barney and Ellie... I think I have Daddy issues.

  
It's a lazy Sunday afternoon with the perfect weather - blue sky and green leaves and soft breeze and all that. They are out at a nice little cafe that has these nice little tables outdoors. Ellie is trying to scoop the last spoonful of vanilla ice cream into her mouth; Barney's intensely focused on the task of cutting and forking the last remnants of his waffle, which is a bit an awkward work what with holding a four-year old kid in his arms, perched on his lap.

 

The thing is, Barney likes hugging her. Techically, it's Ellie who's hugging Barney and Barney lifting her, but he always feels as if it's the other way around - that he's the one clinging to Ellie. Ellie is his anchor; he's never felt more grounded, more stable, more _complete_ in his life than whenever he has Ellie in his arms. And she is one hell of a hugger, too - she latches onto Barney fiercely and never lets go, and every time she does that a golden warmth tingles Barney's heart and something so much like giddy joy makes his brain dizzy. It's super corny and he can't believe his brain is even thinking such phrases, but it's the truth. Her hug - it's addictive. How should he compare it? It's like, like the silky-smooth texture of two-thousand dollar Italian suit that he's wanted for so long. Or la cool shot of scotch scorching down his throat, only without the bad side-effects of liver failure or gruesome hangover.

 

No, actually those two can't even begin to compare, he decides.

 

He can't get enough of her hug that most of the time he just doesn't let her go. He keeps checking if Ellie feels even a little suffocated or squirmy, but oftentimes she's just content and happy. If she is indeed uncomfortable, she is never too shy to speak and demand outloud to remedy the situation. She's a fierce young lady. And she's demanding something right now as well.

 

"Daddy, open!"

 

She demands, and Barney happily obliges and opens his mouth, on which Ellie kindly bestows that last spoonful of vanilla ice cream. Then she opens her mouth, in which Barney gladly puts the last forkful of his waffle. They chew, and looking at each other, grins.   

 

 

* * *

 

 

The father and daughter always come for dessert on Sunday at 3:00. Not that she's noticed. No, not at all. It's just that her stupid brain sometimes wonders, whenever they come to this little, oft-unnoticed cafe in the corner of 13th street. And, if there's nothing much to do, her eyes sometimes wander around as well. I mean, if there's nothing much to do. And there often isn't that much to do, which is sad considering she's the owner of this place.

 

It always goes like this: father asks his daughter - Ellie, not that she's eavesdropped - what she'll have. And her answer will always be the same for a while, like, nowadays, vanilla ice cream. The father's orders vary from time to time; pancake to pies to waffles. For a while, it'll be like that, until one day, Ellie suddenly asks for something completely different, like a milkshake. Then the father will wiggle his eyebrows and nod and say something like "nice-!" and whisper something else at her ear, which will make her giggle, like they are in on some inside joke. 

 

It's sickeningly sweet, really. 

 

Natalie's dated enough men to know that the father is one of a kind. When he orders, he'll give her that sort of 'there-not there' smile, and his eyes will crinkle like he knows - no, like he's sure - that he's attractive. It's sometimes funny, but also, admittedly, a little hot. 

 

First time, she was sure he was flirting with her. But then, when done ordering, he instantly broke eye-contact and returned his entire and sole focus to his daughter, never noticing or even acknowledging Natalie again.

 

So she thought that she misread something, that first time.

 

But then come next Sunday, and the next, he will give her again and again that faint trace of a boyish smile that oozes self-assuredness and cockiness. Which, again, dissipates completely into thin air when he's done talking to her. 

 

She came to the conclusion that he actually wasn't flirting with her. Not consciously, anyway. It seemed like that cocky facade of a smile and open body language was just that, a facade, but one that's been ingrained in him for so long that the guy's not even realizing that he's doing it.

 

Which is a bit of a shame.

 

It's just that, the father has short, blond hair which goes exceptionally well with his bluish eyes and he sort of looks nice, is all, despite him being probably over 40. And he's always dressed in a suit which makes everything better (I mean, who can refuse men in suits? Seriously. If she were a man, she'd wear suits every day). When he laughs, his mouth splits into a gigantic grin and that just lights up his whole face and makes him look like a little kid. 

 

And he seems like a really good father, from the looks of it.

 

These... thoughts have been going on for about nearly three months that the guy and his daughter started coming to this cafe on Sunday afternoon, during which time Natalie never even learned his name let alone tell him hers, despite him being her steadiest customer. Yes, it's pathetic.

 

* * *

 

 

When Barney had Ellie, he was sure of one thing: Ellie's mother was going to have a place in Ellie's life, whether Barney and she married or not. Yes, Barney promised, with his entire being, the day he held his daughter, that he was going to give all and everything of himself completely for Ellie's happiness; but he knows too well that that does not mean that he himself would be enough for Ellie's happiness. Barney never doubted that his mother tried to dedicate herself wholeheartedly to her children. But he also knows that even though his mother tried, it wasn't quite enough. The place where his father should have been dug an empty hole inside him, and its void plagued him for as long as he can remember.

 

Ellie's mother is still in college - music and fine arts - and she has told him that she has aspirations to become a broadway star after she graduates, which he supports. He likes to dance and sing and play dress-up, too, after all. She's busy, and she has no intention of giving up her dream to raise a child, she said. But Ellie is her daughter and she loves her, she also said.

 

They reached a mutual agreement (Barney drew up a signed contract and all that): Barney's going to raise her. Which makes sense, because he has the financial stability (his blog is a real thing, seriously), time (again, his job is _blogging_ ), energy, and full intention to do that. But Ellie's mother will be a part of Ellie's life, and will visit Ellie whenever she can to hang out.

 

This cycle works surprisingly well and it goes on for several years. When Ellie's still a baby, her mother drops by every weekend or so and helps Barney out, changing diapers and holding her while Barney usually sleeps through to make up for his sleep-deprivation garnered during weekdays. After Barney and Ellie moved to Massachusetts and Ellie's grown a bit, the visits become farther apart. Barney would send the mother plane tickets for Massachusetts every month or so and when she visits they would watch movies in the gigantic Wall-TV together (yes, Barney had that thing installed again in their new home) or sometimes the three of them would go to nearby park for a walk. 

 

Whenever they do this, though it's few times a year, Barney sometimes feels if maybe this is what having a family feels like. He loves Ellie's mother - not the way he loved Shannon or Robin, but she's become a special friend, and it feels pretty alright when all the three of them hang around together.

 

* * *

 

 

Barney decides that what he's feeling is fear.

 

He needs to leave New York.

 

This realization comes to him at that moment of precious silence after Ellie's shrieking for ten straight minutes due to no apparent reason. The one-year old is sleeping soundly now, so innocently like she's done nothing wrong. As he watches her, he realizes that he's afraid.

 

What if he screws up?

 

Because he tended to do that.

 

Until now, Barney was overwhelmed with everything that's happened to him - mostly with awe and dazed joy sprinkled with just a bit of anxiety and self-doubt - that he's never really thought through about _how_ he's going to raise her. He was too busy learning how to change diapers and learning how to interpret Ellie's little noises by heart - is it 'I'm hungry' or 'I pooped' or 'sing lullabys to me, father, this instant' - that he's never really thought about how he's going to actually _raise_ her.

 

Now, the sprinkles of anxiety and self-doubt are taking over and hitting him like a freight train.

 

See, Barney doesn't know how to raise a child. He's been crying "happy-not-a-father's day" one minute before meeting Ellie, for Christ's sake. Not to mention that he himself still sometimes feels like a damaged child in a forty-something-year-old body. To add, he has no memories of childhood to look back on to for guidance: he's never played basketball with his dad, his dad was never there for his graduations or his violin contests, his dad was never there, period.

 

How can he be a great awsome dad if he never had one?

He knows he loves her, and is going to be there for her, but is that enough?

 

And what if Ellie grows, and she finds out what her father was like before he met her? What if she's disappointed to find out that Barney was who he was? What if she finds out that the very reason she was conceived was not because of some deep, committed love but because of a crazy random happnestance that there were two horny people at the bar that night and because hss dad really needed his Perfect Month?

 

Worse, what if Barney really, terribly screws up and she turns out like her dad, learning (from Barney) to lie and cheat and indulge herself in one night stands - oh, he bets all the guys in the world would be throwing themselves at her feet because she'd be just that awesome - and against any kind of committed relatinship and always kind of lonely but not admitting it and instead overcompensating that loneliness with booze and sex -

 

A horrified whimper escapes Barney's throat. Ellie twitchs in her sleep.

 

Of course, however Ellie later chooses to live her life, Barney would respect that, because has has no doubt that she'd still be the most amazing human being in this planet. But Barney just wants Ellie to be happy and be herself, not like her father who was parading on fake-happiness for so long that he didn't know what to do with the real thing when it came to him.

 

  _Barney cannot screw this up._

  

He has to leave New York.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"You're leaving New York?" Lily shrieks.

 

Barney nods.

 

"But you've lived in New York your whole life!" Lily protests.

 

"Yeah, man, what brought this on?" Marshall seems worried. "You're doing so fine these days. You're being a great dad, and you seemed really happy."

 

"I am," Barney says. "And me being dad... that's exactly why I have to leave."

 

"Why?" Ted questions.

 

Barney shrugs, looking down at the beer in his hand. "I mean, guys, come on. This bar, New York, we had some pretty awesome memories here; but most of them - I don't know if I'm proud of them emough to...to tell Ellie, you know? Hitting on chicks... and playbook and - I mean, playbook's genius, so I might share that with her later on, who knows - " - Lily frowns - "but... I don't wanna be that guy anymore. I wanna be... different. For Ellie."

 

The rest of the gang silently listens.

 

"But if I stay here," he continues, "all I can think of while I sit here, is: on that stool, I scored that chick with amazing boobs _and_ legs. And on that booth, I played "Daddy's home" card and scored all three girls in one night. And on that booth, she had these _amazing -"_

 

"Okay, okay, we get the point, Barney."

 

Barney sighs. "See? Whenever I'm here and whenever I'm with you guys, it's like old days again." He swirls the drink in his hands. "I can't be that guy again."

 

"Barney, I get what you're saying, I really do," Ted says. "You're just wanting to be a good father, and that's good!" Barney looks at him. "But leaving New York for that? Come on, scoring on chicks is not all that you did here. There are some really amazing memories that you have to brag to Ellie about. Like - like that time when we licked the Libery Bell."

 

"That was in Philly, Ted. And you hated it."

 

"Ted's right, Barney," Lilly chimes in. "And that time when you dressed up as an old man and pretended to come from the future? That was hiliarious," Lily chuckles. "Your acting was amazing, and it was unbelievable how that girl was stupid enough to.... oh."

 

Barney shrugs, making his point.

 

"What about that time when -" Marshall says, "...oh, nevermind. That was..."

 

"Look, I know you are trying to be a good dad, and you're scared, which is a good thing," Lily breaks in. "But that doesn't mean you have to change 100. Or leave the one place you've lived your whole life."

 

Barney lets out a sigh. "I want to change. For Ellie." He frowns, taking a sip from his beer. "And you guys were the ones that constantly lectured me about my old lifestyle. What's with all this clinginess?" 

 

Ted shrugs again. "Well, I mean, what's going on with our own families and all, it's been really hard for all of us to meet up, you know?" Lily and Marshall nods along. "With Robin basically not showing up, too. And if you're not here too, then it's just gonna be the three of us... and it won't be the same."

 

_But you guys weren't really there for me when I was begging for you to hang around after the divorce, were you?_

 

Barney keeps that part to himself.

 

Marshall sighs. "You've made up your mind, haven't you?"

 

Barney looks at Ted and gives a smile that doesn't really reach his eyes. "I'll try to come by whenever I can."

 

* * *

 

 As Barney heads out the door, Lily, coming out of nowhere, grabs him by the arm and pulls him sideways. Barney gives her a questioning glance.

 

"Ellie's gonna love you just the way you are. And she's gonna love the way you _were_ , too. You have to believe in that."

 

Barney grins. "Thanks, Lily,"

 

Lily gives him a smile. "You've already changed, Barney."

 

As Barney walks down the pavement he feels the chilling wind sweeping his body. He buries his face in the lapels of his black coat.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The living room is basically buried in all kinds of toys - dolls and stuffed animals, cars (Ellie's obsessed with cars, especially the firetruck), lego castles, play-doh, Woody and Buzz from Toy Stories (Barney had to go through all kinds of websites to find the ones identical with the ones in the movies, Woody with the right voice and Buzz with the lasers actually working), all types of dinosaur models, superhero figures (she seems to like Batman the best - isn't that badass? Though he thinks she just likes the Batmobile), stuff for playing house, with the addition of various coloring books and sketchbooks and colored pencils. And in the midst of all those is a four year-old Ellie, immersed in her own world completely as she often does, reeling her firetruck this way and that, putting Mr. Bing (the stuffed elephant, it's her favorite) on top of a small train, and - whoa, are the firetruck and the train going to crash? -

 

Barney keeps his eyes on her while cooking their lunch. He's never really cooked before in his life. He wasn't much of a homemade meal kind of guy. When he was single - I mean, he's single now, too, except he's a single dad - his routine would never change: get up, take a shower, suit up, get a freshly brewed coffee and grab a bagel on the way to work. Or just skip breakfast completely. He didn't care much for them. He would jam lunch during worktime, grabbing a sandwich or a quick bite at near Subway, and dinner would be had usually at MacLaren's or at home with take-out Chinese.

 

So no, he didn't care much for cooking.

 

But what he did know was that his former routine could not work for Ellie. She deserves three, full, healthiest meals a day. So Barney started genuine cooking with help from google. He was pleasantly surprised to find out that he had quite the knack for it. He assumes that he would have to be, since he pulled off that crazy cooking stunt to win the bet with Marshall at Shinjitsu the one time. He always thought that was his dexterous hands and magic skills coming in handy, but maybe he was just good at cooking (ha).

 

In the meantime, Mr. Bing is in the process of rescuing one of the dinosours. Barney grins.

 

"Mr. Bing saves the day again, huh?"

 

"Always," Ellie says. "He's the best."

 

"He certainly is. Why don't we give Mr. Bing a rest for a bit?" Barney says, setting down the plates and placing a scoup of Lasagna onto it. "Come on, it's lunchtime."

 

Ellie quickly yet carefully puts down whatever she's been doing, and hurries over to kitchen table, hopping onto a small chair pulled out for her. She grabs a fork and excitedly begins to dig in. "Careful, it's still hot," Barney says. He carefully blows onto her forkful of lasagna. "Take it slow, okay?" Ellie nods and slowly inserts the food in her mouth. She chews and her eyes sparkle. Barney has some himself. Damn, it's good.

"Can we go to the park today, Daddy?"

"Sure," Barney says. "Ooh, and afterwards, we should go to the bookstore and get new books for your bedtime. "  

"Yes!" She exclaims. "I want a hundred new books," she pauses. "But I still really like _Penguin Meets Polar Bear_."

"We've read that, like, a hundred times, Ellie," Barney chuckles. "Wouldn't you like to try something new tonight?"

Ellie's eyes sparkle again. "But I really like penguins. And I really like the north pole, because it seems all clean and white and there're lots of snow. And I like how Mr. Dazy has to travel and-"

She goes on and on, while Barney listens on with a silent smile, nodding along. He's heard this passionate speech more times than he can count and he can easily finish her sentences, but he lets her go on and declare everything she'd like to say. After she's done, he says: "You've got me; it _is_ an awesome story," He clasps his hands, looking down at Ellie with fond eyes. "It's decided: tonight's _Penguin Meets Polar Bear_ storytime!"  

  
Ellie giggles. "Thank you, Daddy."

 

 

* * *

 

  
Ellie loves her bedtime stories. Frankly, which story Dad chooses to read for her doesn't really matter - whatever the story, her Dad makes it a hundred, no, thousand times more fun, more _alive_. It doesn't feel like he is merely reading- the story itself becomes a reality in front of her. Different characters come to life, each having a unique voice and story of their own; sentences he reads aloud dances in her ears, letting her imagination widen and widen into wildest dreams. When he reads, sometimes she'd watch her father's face, animated and elated, having so much fun just like Ellie. When he notices Ellie watching him, giggling, he'd wink at her, his eyes glinting with playfulness. 

 

She feels her eyes drooping, and yawns. Dad quietly closes the book. It's cozy and warm, her Dad's arms around her, soft blankets around them.

 

"Good night, Daddy," she murmurs.

 

She feels a kiss on her forehead, and warm hands gently stroking her hair.

 

"Good night, Ellie."

 

It feels safe.

 

Ellie never forgets this feeling of safety and warmth.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Ellie and Barney are out at the mall, shopping things and hanging around. Ellie's got an ice cream cone on one hand, and Barney's hand on the other. They're walking around with no particular purpose in mind; their shopping is done, but neither doesn't feel particularly obligated to go back home just yet. Ellie is pointing out to different things that she sees which perks her interest, to which Barney listens, and she is asking a question about why panda bears don't exist outside of China or something equally bizzaring when she spots it. Barney hears it first: piano. A little crowd is gathered at the centre of the mall, apparently watching some guy playing a little cheap piano set up at the mall for entertainment purposes. Ellie seems interested; she runs off to the crowd, effectively pulling Barney with her. Barney groans internally.

The tune is something he doesn't recognize. He hasn't been interested in classical music or piano or violin for such a long time that, for reason he cannot understand, he feels awkward watching the guy play and everyone else appreciating the music and cheering him, including his daughter. He looks down at his daughter, whose eyes are glinting with the same intense curiosity that Barney recognizes too well and very often these days.

The last note is played, quite beautifully, he admits. Everybody's clapping and Barney just wants to go home. He gently tries to pull Ellie towards other direction. She wouldn't budge.

"Come on, Ellie," he says. "It's over. I'm hungry. Let's go get some donuts."

Ellie gives him a stare that's too close to ones Lily used to give him whenever he says something stupid. Her stern look seems to communicate something like  _you're gonna get diabetes or die from high cholestrol_ , but Barney's sure he's just imagining it.

The Piano Man's left, everybody's scattered away, going about their own ways, so of course Ellie runs to the piano, pulling Barney's hand, again. This time, Barney groans out loud. 

"It's not like this is your first time seeing a piano," he mumbles. "I'm pretty sure you have piano at your school, if all that singing we did together to prepare for your music class assignment wasn't something you made up."  

"But he was just so good," she says as she hops onto the bench in front of the piano. The piano's rusty and old now, but Barney can still appreciate a good piano when he sees it. "Miss Kilman can't play that fast. She never plays that well!"

Barney can't help but scoff. "He wasn't _that_ good, Ellie," Then he says something he regrets. "You should've seen how  _I_ used to play,"

Barney mentally kicks himself in the crotch.

But Ellie's eyes are wide, gazing up at Barney with such open and honest expression of awe and curiosity. Barney sighs and sits down next to her on the bench.

Barney looks at Ellie, and her eyes are still comically huge. "You can play?"

Barney shrugs like it's no big deal. It isn't. He doesn't know why he felt the need to brag about it to Ellie; it's just that the guy playing the piano seemed so _happy_ , and everyone seemed just so happy _for him_ , and Ellie was looking at the guy like he was a hero or something when he was just some show-off with average piano skills that can be mastered with only a few years of piano lessons and simple patience.

Barney sets his fingers on the keys, and strange anxiety settles in the bottom of his stomach.  God, it's been so long; he hasn't played since... since Shannon. He doesn't even know if he remembers how to play, if he still has it in him. Even then, his real passion was in violin.

But Ellie's looking at him like he's about to save the world from eternal damnation, so.

He starts off with tunes that Ellie loves - first, songs from Lion King - Circle of Life, Hakuna Matata, Can You Feel the Love Tonight. He's playing it by ear, adding some improvisions here and there. Then he goes off to Beauty and the Beast, You've Got a Friend in Me, then Under the Sea. He sneaks a glance at Ellie, and she is completely raptured, her entire being seemingly focused on Barney's deftly moving hands. Barney feels his anxiety being replaced by warm glow of pride.

Then, just to prove that he's better than the guy who played before him (it was a 'challenge-accepted' moment for him) he plays Fantaisie Impromptu. He's sure he got some things wrong on certain parts, but oh well. It's been more than two decades.

He doesn't even realize that there's a whole crowd gathered around him until he puts down his hands.

There are some clapping and whistling, but he can't hear it. Ellie's blue eyes are gazing into his. He feels awkward so he shrugs again, and chuckles: "I am better, right?" 

"That was amazing," she whispers, voice filled with wonder.

Barney smiles his giant grin, then clasps his hand: "Now, can we _please_ go get some donuts? I'm starving."

"Why didn't you tell me, dad?" Her tone is accusing, but her eyes are still twinkling with admiration. Barney can't stand it, so he turns around to face the piano again. He smooths down his tie.

"I didn't mean to _not_ tell you," he says. "It just never came up."

He means it, but he also knows that he showed Ellie magic tricks, he showed her how to swim, he showed her how dancing and singing can be magically fun; he showed her basically _everything_ that he knows that could make life even a little bit more awesome for Ellie. But he didn't even think about giving her a piano or violin lesson.

He knows, though. It's because of Shannon. His dream was to become a violinst, but it was those years with Shannon playing piano in that coffee shop that made him realize how great piano can be. And after things ended with Shannon, and he became the suited-up corporate playboy, he never even thought about music because piano or violin were linked to the Barney Before the Suits, the gullible, naive, less-awesome version of himself.  

It's been two decades later. He went through a marriage, a divorce, and he has a daughter now and he's _still_ hung up about one ex-girlfriend that cheated on him, still putting everything even remotely associated with her into his mental garbage bin. And this cost Ellie the chance to get to play piano for several years. He's ridiculous; he's a joke. Why does he have to be so -  

"Dad?" An excited voice cuts through his musings.

"Huh?"

"I said, could you teach me how to play?" She asks. "Please?"

Ellie doesn't seem to mind that Barney might have cost her the opportunity to become a child prodigy. She just seems delighted and thrilled to learn something new, from her dad.

And Barney has to admit; it felt... good to play again. Like he's found something valuable that was lost so long ago that he gave up on it entirely, but then miraculously found it again. Ellie's already got her hands on the keyboard, pressing down on random keys. He presses a gentle kiss on the top of Ellie's head.

"Of course," he says. "Let's go and buy the piano today,"  

 

 

* * *

 

 

So, Barney's rather ragged Shannon-shaped hole in his heart is slowly replaced by memories of going to buy a new piano with Ellie, teaching Ellie the basics of piano, and playing different chords together.  

Then they find out Ellie doesn't really click with piano anyway, but it's fun all the same. After she loses interest in piano, she tries out the violin. They find out that Ellie actually has the knack for it, and she plays it throughout her teenage years, but it just mostly stays as her hobby.

Instead, Ellie slowly goads Barney into playing violin again, pushing him and nudging him throughout those teenage years. Her dad's clearly reluctant, at first, saying things like  _there's no use_  and _it's lame_ and _I've got better things to do,_ but Ellie catches glimpses of Barney sometimes caressing Ellie's violin in deep thoughts; then she catches him playing a few piece, and quickly hiding and scoffing it off whenever he notices Ellie watching with admiration.  

So, Ellie silently and discreetly gets new music sheets for him to play. Then she gets him to enter small contests. Then she encourages him to audition for amateur-violinist concert.

She gently and slowly guides Barney into his love for music again, just like her father always guided her to anywhere she wanted to go, all these years.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are not necessarily in chronological order.  
> And I HIMYM doesn't belong to me!

It’s a comfortable, lazy Saturday morning when Ellie asks, “why doesn’t mom live together with us?”

Barney spits his water mid-drinking.

“Don’t you and mom love each other?”

Barney drops his water bottle.

Ellie doesn’t even look up at Barney, but continues her homework like she hasn’t dropped a metaphorical bomb on Barney’s head.

 

* * *

 

 

See, Barney had imagined this, this moment countless times during the eight years he raised Ellie. The thing is, over the course of years, Ellie’s mother had become too busy to be a solid part of Ellie’s life. When Ellie turned four, she was accepted to England’s one of the most prestigious – or so she says – acting schools, and she left. Barney tried asking Ellie how she felt about mother not coming around anymore, not even for a few times a year; but Ellie was _four_ , and Barney didn’t think Ellie really understood.

Or, Barney was too chicken to make her really understand.

But he knew that one day, Ellie’s mom sending postcards of ‘I love you’ every Easter and Christmas won’t be enough. That there will come a time when he will have to explain that a) Ellie was not born out of a committed, loving relationship and b) her mother was too young to commit to her and c) even her own father was not ready to commit until he held her in his arms and promised his whole life to her.

Of course, he is going to phrase it very differently when talking to Ellie.

However, the point is that, he thought that he still had several more years during which he could come up with a good, reasonable answer that won’t scar Ellie for life.  _She’s freaking eight-years old!_

But of course, this shouldn’t have been a surprise. Barney himself had been asking about his father for as long as he can remember, since he was in kindergarten. Absent mother or father is not something that can just be overlooked, especially when most of other kids at school usually have both mom and dad come to parent-teacher conference, or something.

And God, Barney remembers the poorly-handled way with which his own mother dealt the issue of Barney’s absent dad, which was mostly deflecting or lying or not just talking about it in general. He loves Loretta – she is the most legendary mother one could ever have – but he doesn’t want to make the same mistake as her. So, he has to do this really well.

And Barney doesn’t think he’s ready yet.

But he has to be.

 

* * *

 

 

Barney carefully retrieves the bottle from the floor. Ellie’s still not looking at him, seemingly focused on whatever she’s carefully writing into her large binder. Barney draws out a chair and sits down next to Ellie on the kitchen table. Barney gently strokes Ellie’s dark, fair hair.

“Hey, Elle,” Barney says. “Could you put the pencil down for a moment?”

Ellie puts the pencil down, and turns to look at her father. Her clear blue eyes don’t betray any emotion as sadness or anger or confusion. Or, Barney doesn’t see it, yet. But her eyes are intense, boring into her father’s eyes.

“I just want to ask first… what brought this on?” Barney asks. “Did somebody say something?”

Because, if they did, he’s going to kill them first.

Ellie shakes her head.

“No? You can tell me anything, Ellie, you know that, right?”

Ellie nods.

“Is it because of something that happened at school?”

Ellie shrugs.

“I won’t ask you if you don’t want to talk about it,” Barney says, taking Ellie’s hands in his. “I was just curious. And it’s a good thing that you asked this question, too – ”

“We made Mother’s Day cards yesterday at school,” Ellie interrupts suddenly.

 

* * *

 

 

Miss. Kilman announces that Mother’s Day is coming up next week, and that they are going to make Mother’s Day cards for their own mothers. The students are handed out cards of all variety of color, crayons, markers, and glitters. Ellie sits beside Annie, waiting for the cards to be delivered to their group.

Ellie’s friend, Annie, picks out a yellow card, and says: “my mom’s favorite color is yellow, because she’s obsessed with Sunflowers. What color card are you going to choose?”

Then, Ellie suddenly finds herself lost. She remembers her mother – she has recollections of going to park with her mother and Dad when she was very little. But Ellie hasn’t seen her for a long time, except for the greeting cards she sometimes gets during Christmas seasons. Dad told her that she’s in England, because she had to do grown-up stuff. Dad also told her that Ellie’s mother misses Ellie so much and that she really didn’t want to go, but she had to, because sometimes grown-ups have to do stuff that they don’t want to do.

Ellie was perfectly content with not having a mother, though. She had her Dad, the most awesome person in the world – he actually said that himself, but she agrees – who would never make her feel even slightly lonely. She was never alone, because her father was always there. She was too busy watching animation movies, reading books, playing hide-and-seek in the park, going to Disneyland, going to the beach, and doing all other fun things with her dad to even remotely feel like she was missing out because her mother wasn’t there.

But now, she has to make a Mother’s Day card for her mother in England, and she can’t think of her favorite color.

Instead, Ellie knows what her father’s favorite color is. It’s blue, he said, because Ellie’s eyes are blue which is just like her dad’s. He said her eyes reminded him that Ellie was his daughter and that made him very happy. Ellie secretly imagined her father’s favorite color would either be black or grey or some of the darker color, because of all the suits he has. But she chooses to believe him.

She takes the blue card, and raises her hand.

“Yes, Ellie?”

“Miss. Kilman, can I write the card for my dad, instead?” she asks.

Something like understanding dawns on Miss. Kilman’s face. She comes next to her and whispers. “You could write a card to your mother saying that you miss her in England. Do you have something you’d like to say?”

“But I don’t really miss her,” she says.

Miss. Kilman gives her a sad smile (which Ellie doesn’t really like) and pats her on the head. “All right. Sure, you could write a card for your dad, of course.”

Something strikes Ellie. “When’s the Father’s Day?”

“It’s in June. It’s coming up.”

She thinks she likes the idea of making two cards for her dad.

When she’s done making the card, she sets it in front of her and stares. She’s enjoying her artwork and being proud of herself when Mark, a boy in her class, walks by and looks at it.

“Don’t you have a mom?” he asks. “Why’d you write the card for dad?”

“I have a mother,” she says, a bit indignant. “She just doesn’t live with us. And I don’t know what her favorite color is.”

Mark shrugs. “It’s okay. I don’t live with my dad anymore, either.”

“Oh,” she says. She can’t imagine not living with her dad.

“My mom said it’s because mom and dad don’t love each other anymore,” he says.

“Oh,” she says. She’s a bit lost what to say to that. “I’m sorry.”

He shrugs again. “Why don’t you live with your mom?”

“My dad said…” what did he say? “She had to do grown-up stuff in England. She really loves me and misses me, but she has to do it.”

“He’s probably lying,” Mark says like he knows everything in the world. Ellie hates his expression. “It's probably because your mother doesn't love your father. If she did, she would have stayed. I know my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore. That’s why he left.”

 

* * *

 

 

Ellie finishes the story, more or less in correct detail. Her father’s expression is – she thinks he looks a little sad.

“Are you sad?”

“Sad?” Barney chuckles, a bit nervously. “You’re going to give me _two_ cards for being an awesome dad, why would I be sad?”

Ellie looks skeptical.

Barney sighs, dropping his head. “It’s just… do you really mean it when you say when you don’t miss having a mom? I mean… most other kids probably have -  moms who bake chocolate-chip cookies for the whole class and bring flowers to put beside the classroom windows or… something.”

“But we gave our whole class cupcakes on my Birthday, too,” she counters.

“Yeah, but I didn’t _bake_ them, just bought them off at Natalie’s bakery,” his expression is his usual ‘duh’ expression.

“I really don’t miss her,” she says. “But I want to know why she’s not living with us. Why didn’t you marry her? Is it because you don’t love each other?”

Barney looks down at his hands holding Ellie’s, mouth open but unable to say anything. Ellie waits patiently. Her father’s expression is drawn taught, like he’s in a bit of pain, and Ellie feels a twinge of guilt that she’s the one who caused him pain.

“Ellie, listen,” he begins quietly. “To answer your question, your mom and I didn’t get married, because we didn’t have… romantic feelings for each other. Remember when you watched _Tangled_ last night, and how Eugene and Rapunzel loved each other? You know, how they’d want to be… _together_ and hold each other’s hands and like to kiss each other?”  

Ellie nods.

“Yes, we didn’t love each other _that_ way, but thanks to you, we became friends that care for each other. I still deeply care for her, because she’s your mom. Do you… understand?”

“I think so,” she says, nodding.

Barney lets out a sigh of relief.

“But don’t you have to love each other to have babies?” Ellie’s eyes are intense again. “Like Eugene loved Rapunzel? That’s what Miss. Kilman told us. ‘When mom and dad love each other a lot, they have a baby.’”

Barney internally curses, because how-to-make-a-baby-talk is a whole different story, and he most definitely doesn’t want to get into that today. God, why does he have to go through this? If only he can summon Lily, she’ll probably explain this much, much better than himself. Hell, Ted or Marshall will do a better job than him, probably.

“Miss. Kilman is usually right,” he continues. “But no, even if one person and other person don’t really love each other that way, they can still have babies.”

Ellie nods slowly, and narrows her eyes. She seems to be deep in thought. Barney can’t figure out if he screwed up yet or not.

“So, mom doesn’t live with us because you and mom are just friends, but not in love with each other?”

“That’s it.” Barney nods enthusiastically.

“But if she loved _me_ , wouldn’t she have stayed?” Ellie looks down at her hands.

“Hey, look at me,” Barney says, stroking Ellie’s cheek softly. “Your mother does love you. You have to believe in that.”

“Then why didn’t she come to see me, not even once?” Ellie asks. She feels her lips tremble. It’s weird, Ellie thinks, because she genuinely didn’t miss her mother, and she thought she wasn’t sad at all about her not being around. But suddenly Ellie can’t seem to control her voice. “Did I do something?”

Barney’s hands on Ellie’s tighten. “First of all, Ellie, you have to know that it is _not_ your fault. Never for once even think that, okay?

Looking at Ellie, Barney suddenly remembers his own lonely nights in his childhood, wondering, lying on his bed, why his father wouldn’t come, not even once; thinking, maybe it’s because he wasn’t a good enough child for him, maybe it’s because he did something bad, maybe it’s because his father hated him. Barney feels his own hands shake, and tears gathering up in his eyes. “Understand?”

“Yes, Dad,” Ellie says.

“Your mother leaving has nothing to do with you, or what you did. It’s about _her_ ,” Barney says. “The thing you have to know is, your mother was very young, younger than me, when you were born. She still had so much things to do in the future, you know? And your mother and I both knew that I could take care of you better, because I was older, and I had a job already. The point is, it is not your fault, _not at all_ , nor is it my fault, that she’s left.”

Ellie looks at her dad, and there’s nothing but sincerity and honesty in his eyes.

Blue eyes, just like her own.

“Ellie, I love you so much,” Barney says. His voice is still shaky.

She throws herself at her father and hugs him tight. She feels her dad’s arms encircling her, her father’s embrace warm and secure and safe.

And she remembers again, why she didn’t miss her mother so much: her dad was both her mother and father.

“Thanks for making me the card again,” Barney murmurs into Ellie’s hair. “Can I see it? I bet it’s legendary.”

“Nope, you have to wait ‘till Mother’s Day,” Ellie says, still hugging Barney tight. “But it _is_ awesome. Oh, And the card is blue.”

“Heh, I love blue.”

“I know.” Ellie giggles.


End file.
